Time to open up...

As I promised one reader of my blog, I am going to be using this blog to show the struggle between what I want, what God wants, and what Satan wants for me (which, of course, is death). So, here we go....
About 9 or 10 months ago now I decided that I was ready to lead a church. Whether it was through taking a church that opened up, or planting a church somewhere. I have no real lead pastor experience, no weekly teaching experience, and really, very limited shepherding experience. I knew how to lead, but leading and shepherding are totally different. So, I began to share these thoughts with my wife, and even our state overseer. He immediately got behind me and wanted to see me succeed. What he didn't know, is that I had a very good reason to want to get out of Bend. I had made some poor choices in my past, and thought that moving would cure the problem. I hated running into my past, and knowing that - in a small town like this - there was no escaping it. So, we looked into moving to Renton for a couple weeks, but I knew that I was not ready to go. In the week or so following us deciding not to move to Renton, God set some things up that have allowed me to start getting beyond my past. He really laid it on my heart that I can't carry that junk around with me when/if I am a pastor. So, I took some steps to begin the healing from what is now my old life. WOW, my eyes have really been open to just what I was dealing with. I went to a professional counselor just because I knew there was stuff that was too heavy for me to deal with on my own. Besides, I had spent my entire life trying to do things on my own - it was time to allow God, and someone else, to help me. To coin a phrase from a very wise cartoon (Shrek) I really am like an onion. There was so much junk below the surface that I never would have found, let alone deal with. Things from my childhood, adolescence and adulthood. Habits that I had formed from childhood, that had carried over into my adulthood. I truly felt like I was at an AA meeting admitting that I am powerless to these things. Of course, my counselor pointed out that I am powerless to everything, only the Christ in me has power over it...'my hope in glory'. I've spent the last almost 8 months now peeling back the layers that have covered me for most of my life. What a freedom we have in Jesus. It is amazing, and I never knew how amazing it was until I was 28. I have grown up in church, and it's true that he who is forgiven much, loves much. I never thought I was forgiven of much. There were even times I considered walking away from God just so I could come back to him and have this tremendous salvation experience. These past several months has taught me that I forgive much - and saved from even more. Now, whenever I do go out into full-time ministry, I know that I will be much better prepared, not only as a man and follow of Christ, but as a shepherd, leader, and lover of souls.